Reconciliation is a frequently misunderstood term, and its process for healing relationships is even more mysterious. Its knowledge and application are vital to our inner and outer worlds.
The word describes making one belief compatible with another. Although used in the financial world to see bank accounts balance, businesses thrive, humans need reconciliation to ensure that relationships stay connected through struggles and tragedies. Commonly, friendships get betrayed, marriages dissolve, a parent power struggles with children, or families hurt one another.
Conciliation means to “bring together, unite, or make friends.” Reconciliation is needed when this bond breaks. Of course, this process is not easy but worth the journey.
Let Ron Huxley guide you through the challenges of reconciliation with your partner, family member, and friendships by scheduling an appointment. Click here!
Let’s take action. Try this Preventing Resentment Question:
Take time to sit down every week to ask the following question. Is there any unconfessed sin, unresolved hurt, or conflict from the last week that we need to seek reconciliation?
Work through conflicts by asking a Rebuilding Relationship Question:
What am I/you feeling? What do I/you need? How can I/we collaborate so I/we healthily meet that need?
When needing to ask forgiveness for past wrongs, try this Reconciliation Requesting Question:
1) Offer a genuine apology.
2) Verbalize what you can take responsibility for.
3) Share how hurting someone you care about feels to you.
4) Ask your partner what they need from you to heal and move forward.
A good marriage isn’t something you find. You have to make it great, and then you have to keep making it that way. Most people stop working on their marriage right after the honeymoon is over. They get bogged down in work, kids, mortgages, and all the trials of life. If you don’t stay focused on then intimacy in marriage, you will lose it. Here are a few tips to help you keep the flame of love and happiness lit:
Show Them Respect
Every healthy relationship must include respect. Without it, you are doomed to fail. When your partner wants to speak with you, take the time to do so. Don’t mock their words or belittle them in any way. By showing your significant other that you value their thoughts, feelings, time and effort, you will let them know you respect them.
The opposite of respect is contempt or criticism. That is poison to the relationship and part of the “Four Horseman” of the final days of marriage. The other two destructive forces in marriage are stonewalling and defensiveness. These latter two “horseman” refer to emotionally shutting down and overly protecting oneself.
John Gottman, marriage researcher and author states: “Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts.”
Give Them Priority
Your partner may not always be your number one priority, especially if you had children before you entered the relationship or have another situation that demands a lot of your time. If your partner is always last on your list, though, there will be trouble. Giving your partner at least some priority shows them that you value them.
Marriage needs balance to succeed. After work and kids are gone, couples end up with nothing. Put some time into one another, through date nights, talking after the kids go to bed, enjoying hobbies or activities together, reading, etc. What you do isn’t as important as the fact that you are doing things together.
Have Fun Together
Make time to laugh together. Plan fun activities and do new things together so that you can always remember the experience. Making memories builds bonds. This will give you and your partner good feelings when thinking about one another, because of the great times you have when you are with each other. Fun can involve the children too. Watch funny movies, tell jokes, ask about the highs and lows of the day so marriage and family intimacy deepens.
Learn with Them
Take a class together, or embark on learning a new hobby as a duo. When you stretch your brains in regards to the same subject, it gives you something to talk about. When a couple feels like they are challenging each other and helping each other to become their best, it brings strength to the relationship.
If you are struggling in some area of your relationship this is an excellent topic to read a book on or attend a course. There are thousands of YouTube videos and podcasts. Listen to one on the way to the store or off to visits grandparents. You might discover that one magic idea that causes your relationship to soar.
It has been said that the “capacity to learn is a gift, the ability to learn is a skill, the willingness to learn is a choice” (Brian Herbert).
Maintain Your Individuality
Although time as a unit is important, don’t do absolutely everything together. Give yourself the opportunity to grow your other friendships and hobbies. When you do this, it gives you a break so that you can appreciate each other when you are together, and it also gives you something to talk about.
Women are more likely to connect with friends than men. Developing relationship as a couple and then branching out or reaching out might be something men can work on. Getting involved in men’s groups or sports can be an excellent outlet for men as well.
Express Your Appreciation
Let your partner know that you are grateful for them and who they are. When they have made sacrifices to do something kind for you, write them a thank you card or cook them their favorite meal. Showing your thankfulness and appreciation never goes out of style. The opposite could also be true: Stop showing appreciation for others and they might stop doing the things we appreciate!
Be Creative in Showing Your Love
Say “I love you” to your partner, but don’t stop there. Get creative in the ways that you show your love. Demonstrate it by using your own personal talents through actions such as writing them a poem, making their favourite dessert or composing a song for them. Plan a relaxing vacation weekend or even a one-on-one movie night together at home. It doesn’t take a lot of money to demonstrate that you love your partner.
Gary Chapman wrote a popular book: “The 5 Love Languages”. It outlines how everyone feels most loved in unique ways. We tend to show love in the ways we like to feel loved versus loving them in their own way.
The 5 Love Languages include: Words of appreciation, physical touch, gifts, acts of service, and quality time. It is possible to have more than one but learning your partners special way of feeling loved is an act of love in itself. Try taking the online quiz to learn with your spouse at https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language
If you would like more help learning how to make love last, consider talking with Ron Huxley for online couples counseling today.
There are some things we can do in all our relationships to build and maintain strong bonds. This is true because underneath all our differences, likes, dislikes, and biases, we are all human beings who desire social connections. The tips below should be used in all your relationships to form bonds that will stand the test of time.
This might mean different things in different relationships, but the overarching sentiment is the same. When they do something kind for you or take the time to support you when you need it, be appreciative – acknowledge their care and concern.
2. Spend time together
It can be hard to find time to get together when we are all so busy, but it’s important for all relationships. If necessary, set up a standing appointment so that it just automatically happens. This makes sure it happens because you will get used to scheduling other things around it.
3. Communicate honestly
Sometimes you may be tempted to bend the truth to avoid conflict, but your relationships will be much healthier overall if honesty is held in high regard. It’s possible, to be honest without being brutal. Choose your words carefully and be as diplomatic as possible, while still sharing your feelings openly and honestly.
4. Forgive faults
Forgive them for their eccentricities and annoying habits, and also forgive yourself for any mistakes you make. We all have faults and shortcomings that we bring with us into any relationship. Sometimes to keep the relationship strong, we need to just come to the conclusion that their presence in our lives is more important than the little habits that drive us crazy.
5. Support them
Intermingled between all the good times, there will surely be times when the other person could use a helping hand. Whether it’s helping them move, taking them dinner when a loved one has passed or being a sounding board for a difficult decision, any relationship worth having requires some TLC. And the other person deserves it, just as you do when you need it from them.
6. Do unto others
It’s just a good idea to always live by the Golden Rule, but it’s especially true in relationships that are important to us. If you wonder if something you might do is likely to upset them, chances are it’s better to talk to them about it first. Wouldn’t you want them to do the same for you? It’s better to err on the side of caution.
Get deeper relational repair with Ron Huxley. Schedule an online appointment today: Click here now!
A lot of people confess that they don’t like the fact that they are people-pleasers. Although pleasing others isn’t all bad, it is the negative qualities of always saying “yes,” taking on others’ problems and feelings, not standing up for themselves, assuming things are always their fault, and wanting others to like them or approve of them to feel valuable. If this describes you, you probably don’t like this side of you either.
People-pleasers let others’ voices be louder than their own. When left alone, they don’t know what they think or how to make the right decision. They are so used to listening to what others think or what other people want that they don’t know their minds. Practicing the art of listening to ourselves will help people-pleasers learn to know their thoughts and risk trusting their intuition.
The voice is the connection between the head and the heart.
Turning it on and up is the key to breaking the codependent pattern of people-pleasing. Start by saying your thoughts and feelings out loud. Speaking things into the space of your room makes thoughts and feelings more real. When they are in your head/heart, they can be easily dismissed or distorted. Practice this alone and build confidence for doing it in public.
When you get a thought, write it down. Words have life when written! Write it on post-it notes, as reminders on your phone, and start journaling. There is ample research on the power of handwriting your inner movements that will bring greater insight and clarity to your life. Don’t worry about grammar, making sense, or writing it perfectly. The point is to learn to recognize your thoughts and voice.
Record your voice and listen to the tone and content. How assured do you sound? Are you making excuses for your needs and wants. Do you have to apologize or qualify what you are communicating? If so, re-record it in a firmer tone and with more command.
Listen to affirmative, inspirational talks and decide what you agree with and what you don’t. Practice making statements about your likes and interests. People-pleasers often defer to others’ interests and feel they are rude or don’t have a right to say what they want. When practicing this with others, don’t expect everyone to agree with you suddenly or ask your forgiveness for controlling everything. They may act surprised that you are speaking up but will have more respect for you doing so.
People-pleasers are kind people. They want to keep the peace. The world could use more kind and peaceful people in it but don’t forget to show up. The world also needs people who are confident and can stand up for themselves too.
Get more tools for better mental health and relationships at FamilyHealer.tv
Self-care refers to any attitude or activity we participate in to keep up and support our wellbeing, including mental, physical and spirit. Although everyone agrees with the importance of it, self-care frequently gets thrown away for the demands like work, family and the other pressing factors of life. The time to start self-care is today. Yes, right now!
Self-care doesn’t interrupts your life or take time away from your busy schedule. It benefits it and re-energies you. Here are a six simple reasons you should start benefiting form self-care:
Improves state of mind
Putting time in your own consideration can significantly affect your state of mind, prompting more noteworthy hopefulness and inspiration. It will assist you with feeling more joyful, more fulfilled and better ready to adapt to the difficulties that life tosses you way. In any event, taking a limited quantity of time each week to sustain your physical, passionate and psychological wellness can be tremendously advantageous on your state of mind.
Self-care assists you with being the best individual you can be, which has a positive effect on your connections. Setting aside standard effort to put resources into your own wellbeing permits you to be more joyful and more steady as a person. This permits you to be more persistent and obliging with others and along these lines have better connections.
Diminishes hazard of burnout
Most Americans are over-worked and so self-care is important to keep away from burnout. Discover a type of self-care that works for you, regardless of whether that be going for a stroll, investing energy with family or getting a back rub, and focus on participating in it consistently. It will assist with dealing with your pressure and prevent burnout.
Causes you to be more present
Investing energy overseeing yourself permits you to turn out to be more present and drawn in with your environmental factors. You are probably going to have a superior comprehension of the stuff to keep up your psychological, physical and passionate wellbeing, in this way bringing about you having a more prominent spotlight on your present mind-set and trigger that can possibly affect your wellbeing.
Better execution on your goals
Self-care is frequently seen as an afterthought or luxury. The truth is that it is a requirement for better health and wellness. Taking care of yourself increases your capacity in every area of life: work, family, and sport. If you don’t get enough sleep, you are going to drag at work and miss deadlines. If you don’t meditate each day you will be grumpy and react more to others. Good diet, exercise, and time to yourself will help you focus more, stay more motivated, and finish tasks.
Builds personal happiness/satisfaction
The general advantage of self-care is that it builds the quality of your life. That is probably obvious by now but it not only improves things around you, it improves your identity. Wouldn’t you like to be happier? You can be on the journey for this if you keep this as your focus and your develop habits that promote happiness. Hey, you could read on happiness research for just 5 minutes per day. Try it and see happens in just one week. Why not start now?
Let Ron Huxley help you by scheduling an appointment today to change the negative patterns of your life and transform you relationships into greater satisfaction and joy.
Trauma affects all levels of society, including the home, school, religious institutions, social service organizations, public and private business, the arts and all areas of culture. A major movement has been occurring, throughout the nation, to change our perspective on trauma-informed approaches. The goal of this movement is to increase sensitivity in client care and prevent re-traumatization.
In order to meet this goal, the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration has created 4 R’s to guide the individual practitioner and society. These R’s include:
1. Realizing the widespread impact of trauma and understand the potential paths of recovery.
2. Recognize the signs and symptoms of trauma in clients, families, staff, and others involved in the system.
3. Respond by fully integrating knowledge about trauma into policies, procedures, and practices.
4. and seeks actively to Resist Re-traumatization.
This guidance has resulted in paradoxical shifts that promote Resiliency and Regulation to promote positive Recovery. These “R’s” are essential to the practice of social work and mental health.
As the ideas and practices spread through society, we have to explore lesser recognized R’s of trauma-informed care, including Respect and Relationship. These two R’s are elements of success in creating a trauma-informed (cultural of) care.
There is a Zen saying:
If there is light in the soul,
There is beauty in the person,
If there is beauty in the person,
There will be harmony in the house,
If there is harmony in the house,
There will be order in the nation,
If there is order in the nation,
There will be peace in the world.
Respect starts with the individual – has to start with the individual – and then slowly moves through-out society. It starts with the parent in the home, the social worker in the field, the rabbi in the synagogue, the teacher in the physical education program, the supervisor in the organization. This light sparks from respecting oneself and then it then gets paid forward to others around them. It brings gratitude for beauty in the person and harmony in the “house”. It sustains families and transforms organizations and the world.
Respect is defined as the admiration of someone’s ability, qualities or achievements. It creates an atmosphere that promotes safety for the trauma survivor.
Recruiting, hiring, and retaining trauma-informed staff.
Training behavioral health service providers on the principles of, and evidence-based and emerging best practices relevant to, TIC.
Developing and promoting a set of counselor competencies specific to TIC.
Delineating the responsibilities of counselors and addressing ethical considerations specifically relevant to promoting TIC.
Providing trauma-informed clinical supervision.
Committing to prevention and treatment of secondary trauma of behavioral health professionals within the organization.
All of this must be held in the context of a Relationship. The relationship is the healing factor behind it all. Without relationship, there is no family, no organization, no church, no society. In the science of resiliency, the relationship is how we tip the scale from negative to positive outcomes. One healing relationship in a chaos of trauma can provide enough emotional strength for a child or adult to survive.
Reflect on the “R’s” of Trauma-Informed Care:
1. How has your organization utilized the 4 R’s of Recognize, Realize, Respond, and Resist Retraumatization?
2. What can you do to start or improve on any efforts already done using these 4 R’s?
3. Can you define the concepts of Regulation, Resiliency, and Recovery? Write these definitions on an index card and consider them each time you interact with a co-worker, friend, or client.
4. How have the ideas of Respect and Relationship impacted you personally and/or how have you used these two powerful R’s to move others to more positive outcomes?
~> Need training or consultation on how to implement Trauma-Informed Care into your church, school, or business? Let Ron Huxley help you train your staff or community. Email him today at email@example.com or call 805-709-2023.
How we love family members during the emotional distances and dark shadows of our relationships determine the long-term quality of those relationships. All relationships have ups and downs and our ability to ride out the extremes is challenging but a normal process of loving others. At the heart of the dark moments, we want to abandon the roller coaster ride for the firm safety of the ground. Our inner brains want us to fight or flee or if both of these options fail us, to freeze internal emotional reality. How do we overcome the turbulence and deep disconnect for the long haul?
One truth is to develop our identity and remind ourselves that relationship is not contained in the ups and downs but over the entire course of life. Look for the long tail of relationships and how to keep a spark alive even if it just nurture by you and not the other. The fight or flight mechanism of the brain wants us to rush our actions or reactions when we really need to do in these crucibles is slow down and evaluate our choices. My best advice to families in the middle of chaos is to slow down but that is one of the hardest things to do. Many fail in the attempt.
A lot of my therapeutic work is with adoptive families. Many times the early life trauma results in an out-of-control teenager that ultimately forces the parent to consider residential care. They believe they have failed as parents and the relationship feels like it has ended. The truth is that relationship trumps residence. Your connection is stretchier than you thought. You may have to make a decision to create distance to ensure safety but you are not letting go of the relationship. You are protecting it and that is very different.
Because we like “up” moments filled with laughter and hugs and emotional closeness and hate the “down” moments with its harsh words, self-pity, victimization, and loneliness, we can start a rocking motion that swings faster and faster between the ups and downs. Pushing on one side and then the other increases chaos that throws everyone off the see-saw entirely.
When I work with bitter couples, hurt by infidelity and emotional rejection, I ask them to step off the see-saw, remember what attracted them to each other, the values they used to believe and to forgive one another. Too many nurture the wound and do not receive the healing. It is difficult to forgive but unforgiveness is like a poison that kills the heart of the relationship. It doesn’t say what was done was acceptable or that I will “forget and forgive”. You do not forget but you must forgive to allow life to start up again. From here we rebuild new creations that last.
Give up the illusion of control. You cannot control anyone else. You only have 100%, guaranteed results with yourself. You must manage you. Controlling your reactions is what allow the extreme ups and downs to settle and become smooth again. Take 5 to keep your relationship alive and pause to consider your best long-term actions. Take 10 and then reconsider again. If you need to make a hard, drastic decision, it is better to take the time to think it through completely vs. carrying a weight of regret.
Identity is the most important ingredient in loving through the distance. Victim-minded people seek their identity through others instead of operation from a place of a sense of self. If I need you in order to be me and you are the source of my hurt and pain, then I cannot manage me that doesn’t exist. I cannot sustain a relationship that is one-sided. Start a journey of knowing yourself and your needs and your drives and your desires to deal with others in the distant relationships. Operating FROM a place of identity allows you to remain you even if others reject you. A simple starting place is journaling or talking to a therapist.
A final truth is that love is unconditional. It doesn’t have to agree with the other person’s actions or allow it to continue damaging the family but it doesn’t have to turn off. It can continue from a safer distant to provide an opportunity to bring it into closer intimacy. We don’t turn off love when others don’t do what we want. That is false power. Real power says I can set a boundary and I can exist without you but I choose to continue to love you. If you do not choose the same than I will remain me and love myself and others too.
How do you get from point A to point B? You can put in your own destinations for each point… The answer is simple. Look at a road map or in our modern technological society, tell your phone to pull up the map.
The “point” is that if you want to get anywhere you have to have a road map (or in the case of our phone, a GPS). In relationships, we need a love road map. When it all hits the fan, and it will sooner or latter, we need to know how to get back to a place of love and trust.
The research of John Gottman, PhD, shows us that the road to relational stability requires this type of emotional guidance system. In order to be a master of relationships and not experience the disaster of it, you can start building this map today. According to Dr. Gottman, you have to know a lot about your partner or child to navigate through difficult times and moments of disagreement. The process to build this map is asking a lot of questions that search the soul of the other person. Questions like what do you think about injustice or what countries you would like to visit or how do you feel about your career in life? These are open ended questions that go deeper than did you do your homework or pay the electrical bill?
How does your partner feel about their role as a mother or father? Does your child enjoy his or her friendships? After these heart-probing questions are asked, you have to remember the answer because this is what you will use to work through conflicts. The intensity of our fights with our most intimate companions aren’t really about an “F” on a test or dishes in the sink. They are really about our hopes and dreams and desires. They can also be about our disappointments, fears and losses. The more deeply connected you are with the former, the better you will find your way through the latter.
When people ask you these questions they show their interest in you. It makes you feel valuable. Conversely, scanning for mistakes, even with the motivation to help the other person be better in life, destroys intimacy and trust.
It has been said that a joyful life is created in the little details, conversations and moment to moment interactions. This is exactly how you build a love road map that will help you deal with conflict. Conflict is part of the human relationships and can’t be avoided so be prepared and get to know the inner world of others.
Action plan:Ask some deep questions of people who are closest to you in the next 7 days. Take notes of their answers. There will be a test!
If you heard someone described as a powerful person, you might assume he or she would be the loudest person in the room, the one telling everyone else what to do. But powerful does not mean dominating. In fact, a controlling, dominating person is the very opposite of a powerful person.
So what exactly is a powerful person? Here are 8 traits of a powerful person:
1. THEY DO NOT TRY TO CONTROL OTHERS.
Powerful people do not try to control, convince, or manipulate other people or their behaviors. They know it doesn’t work, and it’s not their job. Their job is to control themselves.
2. THEY CREATE A RESPECTFUL ENVIRONMENT.
Powerful people are able to consciously and deliberately create the environment in which they want to live. They don’t try to get people to respect them; they create a respectful environment by showing respect. They deliberately set the standard for how they expect to be treated by the way they treat others. As they consistently act in responsible, respectful, and loving ways, it becomes clear that the only people who can get close to them are those who know how to show respect, be responsible, and love well.
3. THEY REFUSE TO BE A VICTIM.
Life does not happen to powerful people. Powerful people are happening. They are happening all the time. They are not controlled or infected by their environment. Powerful people refuse to play the victim by shifting responsibility for their choices onto others.
4. THEY REQUIRE OTHERS AROUND THEM TO BE POWERFUL.
When powerful people encounter a powerless person, they are not tempted to dive into any unhealthy emotional ties or attachments. They hear a victim’s sob story and ask, “So what are you going to do about that? What have you tried? What else could you try?” These questions confront powerless people with their responsibility and their capacity to make choices and control themselves. This is the only option a powerful person will offer to powerless people: become powerful, make choices, and control yourself.
5. THEY MAKE DAILY DECISIONS THAT ALIGN WITH THEIR VISION.
Powerful people do not simply react to whatever is happening today. They are able to take responsibility for their decisions and the consequences of those decisions–even for mistakes and failures. They can respond to today and create tomorrow. Powerful people have a vision and mission for their life, and can use the events of each day, whether positive or negative, to direct themselves toward that vision.
6. THEY LET THEIR “YES” BE “YES” AND “NO” BE “NO.”
Popular opinion or the pressure of others does not sway the language of powerful people. They know exactly what they want and how to communicate their desires. A powerful person says, “I will. I do. I am.” Powerful people can say both “Yes” and “No,” and mean it. Others can try to manipulate, charm, and threaten, but their answer will stand.
7. THEY LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY.
A powerful person’s choice to love will stand, no matter what the other person does or says. When powerful people say, “I love you,” there’s nothing that can stop them. Their love is not dependent on being loved in return. It is dependent on their powerful ability to say “Yes” and carry out that decision. This protects their love from external forces, or from being managed by other people.
8. THEY CONSISTENTLY DEMONSTRATE WHO THEY SAY THEY ARE.
Powerful people can be who they say they are on a consistent basis. And because they know how to be themselves, they invite those around them to be themselves. Only powerful people can create a safe place to know and be known intimately. They say, “I can be me around you and you can be you around me. We do not need to control each other, and we don’t want to control each other.”
We all have room to grow in becoming powerful people. No matter what, know that every step on the journey to getting free and being a powerful person is worth it. Choosing to say “Yes!” to a life of responsibility will be one filled with adventure and joy. Do not let powerlessness and a victim mentality steal from you any longer. You are a powerful person who can make powerful decisions. And more importantly, you are a powerful person who can choose to love–because He chose to love you.
Keep your relationship bigger than your problems today!