Posted on

Building a Strong Marriage: The Importance of Gottman Love Maps

Dr. John Gottman is a renowned relationship expert and his research on building a “Love Map” emphasizes the importance of knowing your partner’s inner world in order to build a strong and lasting relationship. The concept of the Love Map is based on the idea that a strong relationship is built on a foundation of knowledge and understanding of your partner’s thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, fears, and preferences.

According to Gottman, a Love Map is a mental map that we create of our partner’s inner world. It includes information such as their likes and dislikes, important life events, and deepest hopes and fears. When we have a detailed Love Map of our partner, we are better able to understand their thoughts and emotions, empathize with them, and respond to their needs in a more meaningful way. This, in turn, can help build trust and emotional intimacy in the relationship.

Gottman’s Love Map concept is just one of the many principles he has developed through his research on couples and relationships. His other main concepts include the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling) and the Sound Relationship House, which includes components such as trust, intimacy, and shared meaning.

Gottman’s work has been widely studied and cited in the field of couples therapy. One of his most famous books is “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, which provides practical advice and strategies for couples looking to improve their relationship. Another highly recommended book is “The Relationship Cure”, which focuses on improving communication and emotional connection between partners.

Try these questions with your partner to build your love map:

  1. What are some of your partner’s goals and dreams for the future?
  2. What are some of your partner’s favorite hobbies or interests?
  3. What are some of your partner’s fears or worries?
  4. What are some of your partner’s most cherished childhood memories?
  5. What are some of your partner’s favorite movies or books?
  6. What are some of your partner’s spiritual or religious beliefs?
  7. What are some of your partner’s greatest strengths or talents?
  8. What are some of your partner’s pet peeves or dislikes?
  9. What are some of your partner’s fondest memories of your relationship?
  10. What are some of your partner’s deepest desires or aspirations?

Overall, Gottman’s Love Map concept is an essential component of building a strong and healthy relationship. By taking the time to get to know your partner on a deep level, you can foster a stronger emotional connection, build trust, and create a foundation for a lasting relationship

Posted on

Dream Parenting: The Natural Ally

At times parenting can be met with rejection by family members. Some of this can be developmental as a child has drives for independence. Some of it can be a self-protection from intimacy. If I don’t get close to you, then I don’t get hurt. Attempts to parent differently and achieve the family of your dreams requires significant risk in these situations.

You biggest ally is already inherent in you and your family members. It is a biologically-based need for attachment. We are social beings and as such, want to connect with one another even it doesn’t appear on the surface to be true. 

If there has been problems in your closest relationships it may mean that patterns of rejection and defenses of self-sufficiency have been created. These are tough walls to knock down. Start off by believing that you have a primal need to connect as you ally in this new strategy. Find ways to make eye contact and smile without using any words. Look for chances to connect with no words of judgement, correction, or instruction. Just make a connection no matter how small or brief. Make it a personal challenge to increase these moments everyday until you start to see the walls starting to crumble. 

Remember that your family wants this naturally. It was how they are designed. If they don’t get it from you, they will seek it elsewhere but they will find it, good or bad. Make it good starting right now.