“Sticks and Stones: The Power of Affirmative Adoption Words”
The phrase “sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me” is a childish idea that isn’t really true. It is a saying that is designed to be a reply to an insult or ward off bullying and discrimination. Adoptive families know the pain that comes from social stigma and stereotypes that surround adoption. The reality is that words do hurt but they can also heal.
af·firm·a·tions
ˌafərˈmāSH(ə)n/
1. the action or process of affirming something or being affirmed.
2. emotional support or encouragement.
Affirmative Adoption Words: to “affirm” is to state that something is true. It is a “higher truth” that helps us be who we were designed to be; face adversities, and aspire to be the best we can be.
The repetition of affirmative words can change habit patterns and attitudes. It isn’t just positive thinking. That implies there is no work involved or no struggle. Affirmations place ourselves into alignment with the best version of ourselves.
The best affirmations start with “I am…” This makes it real and authentic. It establishes our identity based on what we choose to be versus what others say we are or are not.
Affirmations cause us to take responsibility. It voices the belief that I am aware of something that needs to be changed and that I can and will do something about it. We are not victims. We are agents of change and healing to our families.
Beliefs are habitual patterns of thinking. They are often the result of our past experiences and contain old survival ideas that may no longer be needed. If we learned how to survive, we can unlearn any unhealthy patterns, and re-learn new, more powerful ways to think.
List 5 positive “I am…” affirmations:
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Positive Adoption Language
The way we talk — and the words we choose — say a lot about what we think and value. When we use positive adoption language, we say that adoption is a way to build a family — just as birth is. Both are important, and neither is more important than the other.
Choose the following, positive adoption language instead of the negative talk that helps perpetuate the myth that adoption is second best. By using positive adoption language, you will reflect the true nature of adoption, free of innuendo.
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Positive Language |
Negative Language |
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Birth Parent |
Real Parent |
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Biological Parent |
Natural Parent |
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Birth Child |
Own Child |
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My Child |
Adopted Child; Own Child |
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Born to Unmarried Parents |
Illegitimate |
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Terminate Parental Rights |
Give Up |
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Make an Adoption Plan |
Take Away |
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To Parent |
To Keep |
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Waiting Child |
Adoptable Child; Available Child |
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Birth Father; Biological Father |
Begettor |
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Making Contact With |
Reunion |
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Parent |
Adoptive Parent |
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International Adoption |
Foreign Adoption |
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Adoption Triad |
Adoption Triangle |
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Permission to Sign a Release |
Disclosure |
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Search |
Track Down Parents |
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Child Placed for Adoption |
An Unwanted Child |
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Court Termination |
Child Taken Away |
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A child with Special Needs |
Handicapped Child |
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Child from Abroad |
Foreign Child |
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Was Adopted |
Is Adopted |
* Source: https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/talking-about- adoption/positive-adoption-language/
Children’s Brain Grow from the “Inside Out”
Join me at my upcoming training on how to help traumatized children heal in my seminar on “Inside Out.” This is the second in a three-part series on trauma-informed, attachment-focused, and faith-based parenting.
Get additional parenting courses for FREE at http://FamilyHealerSchool.com
The Power-FULL Family: New Faith-In-Motion Seminar
Join me at the March Faith-In-Motion Seminar on March 26th, from 9:00 am to 12:00 pm. I will share on how to turn power struggles into opportunities for greater intimacy and cooperation. Power-less families engage in power struggles in order to “feel” powerful. Power-less families must be empowered to “know” they are powerful. It is a question of identity that doesn’t let circumstances and situations determine who we are.
Foster and Adoptive families will discover faith-based perspectives on attachment and trauma and find a way to greater healing!
Download here: FIM March flyer
Understanding Generational Patterns of Parenting
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Great Behavior Breakdown
Why does your child lie, steal, defy, incessantly chatter, cling, or whine?
The answer is simpler than you may think: Children misbehave because they are stressed. When something is alarming, their brain is stuck reacting to fear rather than responding normally. It feels like life-or-death for the child, resulting in dysregulated behaviors.
Parents often wonder, “What was he thinking? He knows better. He must be doing this on purpose.” The truth is, the child is not thinking at all, but merely reacting unconsciously. The solution is not doling out consequences, but rather helping your child return to regulation. Bryan Post in his book The Great Behavior Breakdown, explains how to respond to misbehaving children in a way that helps them feel safe, thus eliminating negative behaviors.
What can trigger a fear response in your child? For some children, especially those who have experienced trauma, almost anything can trigger fear. A small change in routine, such as going out to eat at a restaurant or skipping reading before bed, can illicit fear. In normal development, a brain automatically alerts to any change in environment, quickly assesses it to see if it is an emergency, and then returns to normal functioning. When a child’s development has been troubled, her brains often get stuck in alert mode. A brain that is stuck in alert is panicked, illogical, and desperate. There is only one thing that can bring the brain back to normal functioning: containment and positive feedback loops.
Containment means eliminating extra sensory input. Often this looks like turning down the music, walking out of a store, sitting on a parent’s lap, or closing eyes. Positive feedback loop is a fancy way of saying, make it feel safe and enjoyable. When the child is full of negativity, hold on to a calm, regulated, demeanor. Be positive, low key, and non-threatening. Eventually the child will give in to your invitation to stay near until he or she feels safe enough to go back and play.
I have used Bryan Post’s approach for years while working with adoptive and foster children. For kids with trauma, his techniques work when nothing else does. Next time your child is misbehaving, see the reaction as fear rather than anger. It will change the way you respond, change your child’s behaviors, and transform your relationship.
Guest Blogger:
Stephanie Patterson, MS, LMFT
Children who have been abused and neglected suffer from an internal model of fear. The world is a scary place. Providers, regardless of the amount of love and tenderness, can’t be trusted. Behaviors can go to the extreme and violate social norms and expectations but these behaviors were normal in an abnormal world. They are now abnormal in a normal family! Unfortunately, children who have been maltreated still operated under F.E.A.R. or False Evidence Appearing Real.
Parents: The Source of Children’s Re-sources
Children must have a source of satisfaction and security in order for them to re-source their ability to manage themselves and their emotions. A positive parental source responds to a child’s need and satisfies it. This cycle of distress and restoration builds trust, security, and connection. Fortunately, parents only have to be “good enough”. There is no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect child. There are many opportunities in parenting to prove you are a trustworthy “source” of support. This gives children the chance to “re-source” that support in themselves.
