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6 Steps Adoptive Parents Need to Learn

When you adopt a child, it’s not uncommon to find yourself parenting a child who has been traumatized. The emotional regulation skills that all children learn in their early years were probably not developed as well as they could have been in the child’s pre-adoption life, and now you’re facing the task of helping your child learn how to manage their emotions.

It’s not always easy, but some strategies can help make this process easier. Here are some tips for dealing with emotionally dysregulated children who were adopted:

1.) Learn about trauma and its effects on developing minds and bodies.

2.) Learn about emotional regulation and how it develops in children.

3.) Identify what emotional regulation looks like for your child—what do they do when they get upset? How do they express anger? Frustration? Sadness? Joy? What helps them calm down when they get upset? What makes them get upset or escalate into inappropriate behaviors? And most importantly: what doesn’t work when they feel overwhelmed by intense emotions?

4.) Since every child is unique, there is no one-size-fits-all approach. Learn brain-based parenting skills and methods.

5) Identity the attachment styles for each family member and discover techniques that create greater security.

6) Take care of yourself. Self-care is not a luxury. It is necessary to be more patient and resilient with your dysregulated child.

Take a free course on Trauma-Informed Care in the home, school, and community at TraumaToolbox.com.

If you need specialized help, contact Ron Huxley today by clicking here and scheduling an appointment.

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Adoption and a “child of my own”

Adoption is the action or fact of legally taking another’s child and bringing it up as one’s own or the reality of being adopted.

It is a social, emotional, and legal process in which children whose birth parents do not raise them to become complete and permanent legal members of another family while maintaining genetic and psychological connections to their birth family.

In this new family, the adopted child becomes the lawful child of the adoptive parents with all the rights, privileges, and responsibilities attached to the biological child. It is incorrect to assume that adopting is the same as having “a child of your own,” although they are both ways to create your family. Many families who make this error are frustrated and resentful at the child or the adoption constellation system when they realize the differences. This major misunderstanding could lead to a disruption of the adoption process or a disillusionment of the legal adoption.

Individuals who dream of having a “child of my own” and choose to go the way of adoption can have false ideals about a child that “acts and looks like me.” It removes the child’s ability to be uniquely loved for who they are and disqualifies their background, history, culture, and genetics.

A better view would be to have a “child who is mine” and “I am theirs.” This bond is not about ownership but connection. It is not about genetics but generation. It is not about sameness but oneness.

Adoption is not just a legal term; it also has profound psychological meanings. It is not just about who the child belongs to but also who belongs to the child. The constellation of members surrounding the adoptive child includes the adoptive family, extended family, biological siblings, parents, extended birth family, adoption professionals, legal professionals, and more.

Get more support and help with adoption and creating a healthy, happy family by contacting Ron Huxley, LMFT, by clicking here!

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The Adoptive Parenting Toolbox – Live Zoom Seminar

Adoptive Parenting Toolbox Training

Join me Thursday, September 16 at 12:15 pm (PST) for this live zoom event! We will be discussing practical parenting tools for adoptive parents. This is a 45 minute, interactive, seminar for adoptive parents and the professionals who work with them…and best of all it is FREE!

Join Zoom Meeting https://us02web.zoom.us/j/87366619533?pwd=L2tLNm9lRTJvV0pGT2lnMW5zWDB3Zz09

Meeting ID: 873 6661 9533 Passcode: 807818

One tap mobile +16699006833,,87366619533#,,,,*807818# US (San Jose) +13462487799,,87366619533#,,,,*807818# US (Houston)

Dial by your location +1 669 900 6833 US (San Jose) +1 346 248 7799 US (Houston) +1 253 215 8782 US (Tacoma) +1 301 715 8592 US (Washington DC) +1 312 626 6799 US (Chicago) +1 929 205 6099 US (New York) Meeting ID: 873 6661 9533 Passcode: 807818

Find your local number: https://us02web.zoom.us/u/kdPbK5SQwI

For additional questions, email Ron at rehuxley@gmail.com

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Is Parent Coaching Right For You?

A parent coach is a professional who helps parents cultivate better relationships with their children. A coach provides insight, education, and direction that is concrete and practical. Although similar to therapy, coaching focuses more on short-term plans than processing emotions or working through past traumas. It doesn’t mean that parent coaching can’t provide this type of processing, but it is not its primary focus. 

Parenting coaches help in a variety of ways: 

  1. Behavioral problems help parents find strength-based ways to address children’s challenges, such as sibling rivalry, defiance, talking back, aggression, running away, meltdowns, and more. 
  2. Parenting self-care, managing adult stressors, and find balance in work, family, and social life. 
  3. Cope with transitions and crises that occur in life and the world. With all of its effects on schooling, work, and isolation, our current pandemic is a common crisis all parents must learn to manage.  
  4. Developmental and emotional concerns in children need expert insight and detailed plans when depression, anxiety, or delays present themselves. 

Any family structure can utilize parent coaching. The traditional family of yesterday is the nontraditional of today. It can include two parents families, divorced parents, single parents, grandparents raising grandchildren, foster and adoptive parenting, same-sex parents, and multigenerational families. 

Coaches typically have a master’s degree or higher in education or family counseling or completed a parent coaching certification. They should have experience in the specific area of specialty, such as aggressive teenagers or adoption. 

Coaching sessions are usually briefer than traditional therapy with 1 to 5 sessions. Each session has a specific outcome with homework to test “in the field” and then feedback and further revision until a parent feels change is happening. 

Ron Huxley is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 30 years of experience in parenting, family therapy, and specialized clinical issues, such as anxiety and trauma. He has served as the director of several clinical programs that utilized a coaching model. He is the author of the book “Love and Limits: Achieving a Balance in Parenting” and founder of the FamilyHealer.tv online school. You can set up a coaching or therapy appointment with him now. Just click here to schedule a time.

Ron also provides online and in-person training on a variety of parent, anxiety, and trauma-informed issues. Click here for more training information.

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Knowing our stories…

“Once upon a time, a small bird flew into a tree and saw a crown hanging from a branch. At the bottom of that tree was a boy with a drum who asked the bird…” How would you finish this story?

This is a game that I often play with families in my therapy sessions with them. Each person gets to pick out a small item from a red velvet bag and come up with a piece of the story. The imagination continues round and round, chapter after chapter, until we come to a final end of the story.

The activity is fun and insightful. It provides a metaphor for the stories families have around their own traumatic losses. Even when bad things happened, that were outside of our control, we can narrate our present reality and write new chapters and have happier endings.

Recently, I taught a workshop on Adoption and Permanency skills to social workers and therapists. In this workshop we discussed how to tell the adoption story even when it is sometimes very shocking or socially taboo. One of the hallmarks of telling this story is that parents “hold” the story but they don’t “own” it. This is the child’s story. A parents goal is to tell all there is to be told (and sometimes there isn’t a lot known) by the time the child leaves the home and the child has to understand what is being told.

The story has to be told over and over again; essentially recycled over time, to account for the changing development. A child who is 5 has very different level of understanding than the child who is 12 or 16 or 20, etc. Each new telling unfolds greater revelation and insight. Each developmental period allows for more social awareness and shifting of identity. This may result in more grieving too. A child who is 5 may not show a lot of sadness over their story. Developmentally, this would be appropriate. A child is who 16 may have a lot of sadness or anger. This would be developmentally appropriate for him or her.

Every one has a story. It may have fun parts and yucky parts. It may be full of loss or full of adventure. The important thing to keep in mind is that our story is out story. We get to own it and when we do, we get to participate in its on-going authorship.

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“Sticks and Stones: The Power of Affirmative Adoption Words”

The phrase “sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me” is a childish idea that isn’t really true. It is a saying that is designed to be a reply to an insult or ward off bullying and discrimination. Adoptive families know the pain that comes from social stigma and stereotypes that surround adoption. The reality is that words do hurt but they can also heal.

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af·firm·a·tions

ˌafərˈmāSH(ə)n/

1. the action or process of affirming something or being affirmed.
2. emotional support or encouragement.

Affirmative Adoption Words: to “affirm” is to state that something is true. It is a “higher truth” that helps us be who we were designed to be; face adversities, and aspire to be the best we can be.

The repetition of affirmative words can change habit patterns and attitudes. It isn’t just positive thinking. That implies there is no work involved or no struggle. Affirmations place ourselves into alignment with the best version of ourselves.

The best affirmations start with “I am…” This makes it real and authentic. It establishes our identity based on what we choose to be versus what others say we are or are not.

Affirmations cause us to take responsibility. It voices the belief that I am aware of something that needs to be changed and that I can and will do something about it. We are not victims. We are agents of change and healing to our families.

Beliefs are habitual patterns of thinking. They are often the result of our past experiences and contain old survival ideas that may no longer be needed. If we learned how to survive, we can unlearn any unhealthy patterns, and re-learn new, more powerful ways to think.

List 5 positive “I am…” affirmations:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Positive Adoption Language

The way we talk — and the words we choose — say a lot about what we think and value. When we use positive adoption language, we say that adoption is a way to build a family — just as birth is. Both are important, and neither is more important than the other.

Choose the following, positive adoption language instead of the negative talk that helps perpetuate the myth that adoption is second best. By using positive adoption language, you will reflect the true nature of adoption, free of innuendo.

 

Positive Language

Negative Language

Birth Parent

Real Parent

Biological Parent

Natural Parent

Birth Child

Own Child

My Child

Adopted Child; Own Child

Born to Unmarried Parents

Illegitimate

Terminate Parental Rights

Give Up

Make an Adoption Plan

Take Away

To Parent

To Keep

Waiting Child

Adoptable Child; Available Child

Birth Father; Biological Father

Begettor

Making Contact With

Reunion

Parent

Adoptive Parent

International Adoption

Foreign Adoption

Adoption Triad

Adoption Triangle

Permission to Sign a Release

Disclosure

Search

Track Down Parents

Child Placed for Adoption

An Unwanted Child

Court Termination

Child Taken Away

A child with Special Needs

Handicapped Child

Child from Abroad

Foreign Child

Was Adopted

Is Adopted

* Source: https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/talking-about- adoption/positive-adoption-language/

 

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Faith-In-Motion Seminars: “Healing The Family Constellation”

Join me as I kick off 2018 with a new series of Faith-In-Motion Seminars. Sponsored by the San Luis Obispo County Department of Social Services, Grace Central Coast, and Cuesta College, this seminar scheduled on January 22, from 9 am to 12 noon, will be on “Healing the Family Constellation.” 

I will be talking about the healing power of the family from a faith-based, trauma-informed approach. In addition, we will have a panel that represents the adoption constellation. They will share their diverse stories and answer some practical, real-life questions.

In this month’s seminar, we will discover the pro’s and con’s of open adoption, the various levels of relationship between adoptive parents, children, bio family members, extended family, and professionals. You will collect powerful trauma tools to heal the damaging effects of toxic stress and trauma. And, of course, there will be a time for questions and answers.

There is NO FEE to attend this seminar. Training hours are available. I hope to see you there.

Download the flyer here!