Dealing with the Soul and Emotions

Everyone struggles with how to deal with their emotions. This is especially challenging for children whose neurological development has not matured to the point that they can use more rational thinking to deal with their emotions. It becomes even more problematic if our children have suffered a traumatic event or experienced toxic stress. 

Trauma and toxic stress impair all areas of development for children causing them to act and think below their chronological age. We call this gap “Age vs. Stage” to reference how a 16-year-old can act socially and emotionally like a 6-year-old. Often, the age that the child experienced the trauma is the emotional age they get stuck at even while the rest of them advance in years. This can open the eyes for many caregivers who are puzzled by the age vs stage problem. 

Adults don’t always have good solutions to this problem, however. We may not really know how to manage our own emotions. Perhaps we have had our own trauma that shuts us down when overwhelmed by stress or we haven’t had many examples of what healthy, responsible adults do with their intense feelings and so, we limp along with our own developmental journey. 

What most adults do is stuff their feelings. They might do this by dissociating from their bodily reactions and disconnect from extreme feelings of intimacy or closeness. They might push the feelings down until the boil over in a fit of rage, with everyone around the just waiting for the next volcanic explosion. They might try to be super reasonable and lecture their family and be perfectionistic with expectations no one can live up to. 

The healthier answer is not to try and live from our emotions at all! The secret is that you can change your emotions by changing what you believe. When you wake up in the morning, don’t ask yourself “How do I feel today?” Ask yourself, instead “What do I believe today?”

Families who are faith-based believe many things they don’t always practice. For example, we believe that God will take care of all our needs but we spend hours being worried. Our beliefs must go deeper into our subconscious minds where habits exist. You don’t think about how to do certain things in life, like driving your car or make dinner, because those thought structures are set in our subconscious mind so that we can spend more energy on other conscious thoughts and actions. Practicing what we preach has to become a natural reaction to life’s challenges as well. 

Faith-based families have a strange distrust of their own souls as well. Our souls comprise our body, mind, and will. Perhaps we distrust them because we haven’t changed our subconscious habits yet. This will be an on-going process, for sure, and one we can start modeling for our children as well. We also have to live healthy lifestyles, eating good food, engaging in playful activities, and getting rest and exercise. 

Our beliefs allow us to overcome shame from our past. This is what causes traumatized children (and adults) from believing they deserve a good life because they are unworthy of love, unwanted by biological parents, and damaged in some way – maybe many ways. This negative belief results in the sabotage of success, self-injurious behavior, suicidal ideations, depression, anxiety, and fear. This list could go on…

God’s mercies are supposed to be “new every morning” and the same level of grace should be extended to ourselves as well as to other. We need to offer this to our traumatized children, as well. Whatever happened yesterday must be forgiven and our thought life must be taken captive. 

A powerful tool for ourselves and for our families is to make biblical declarations – out loud! Life or death is on the tongue and what we say can steer the direction of our lives (Proverbs 18:21; James 3). Speaking out our new beliefs is an act of faith because we may not feel that what we are saying is true but we are not letting our emotions guide our beliefs, we are letting our beliefs direct our emotions. 

Renewing the mind is how we are to live our faith governed lives and it is a continual process of maturity for our children and will help to close the age vs. stage gap (Romans 12:1-1). 

Start your declarations with the words “I believe” and see what happens to your own mindset as well as to your child’s attitude and behaviors.

“I believe” that I have all the grace I need to face any challenge or problem that comes up for me today.

“I believe” that I am worthy of love and the love of God, who is love, overflows from me to everyone I encounter today.

“I believe” that I am trustworthy, kind, and tenderhearted. I am able to forgive other people who have hurt by and not live in bitterness or seek revenge. 

  • “I believe” that my prayers are powerful.
  • “I believe” I am great at relationships and making friends.
  • “I believe”  that my family is blessed and I am a blessing to everyone around me.
  • “I believe” God is on my side and doesn’t hate me or punish me. 
  • “I believe” I can think right thoughts and make good decisions.
  • “I believe” that I am successful and have the ability to think and act creatively today.
  • “I believe” today is a new day, full of new mercies, and I can be happy and rejoice in it. 
  • “I believe” that the joy of the Lord is my strength. 
  • “I believe” I do not have a spirit of fear and God gives me power, love, and a sound mind. 
  • “I believe” that I can control what I say and everything from my lips speak love, live, and encouragement. 
  • “I believe” that I can remember everything I am studying and will accomplish everything that needs to get down today. 
  • “I believe” that believing the truth sets me free of fear and depression. 

Don’t worry if you don’t always feel what you say is true. Don’t be concerned or deterred if your children don’t agree with your declarations, at first. I believe that if you practice these declarations and start to create your own personal list that you will see incredible changes in your own heart and the heart of your family, today and over time!

Take a free online course to help your family heal at FamilyHealer.tv

Are you taking care of yourself?

Parenting a traumatized child can be challenging and exhausting work. It isn’t something that should be done alone without adequate support or a self-care plan. Parents can seem like tireless caregivers who sacrifice their own needs for the needs of others. They can be highly efficient people with incredible levels of compassion and mercy for others. This mercy can have limits!

They often continue their work to the point of exhaustion, leaving them emotionally bankrupt. You can give away what you don’t have. Like the airlines instruct us before a flight: “in the event of an emergency, a life mask will drop. Be sure to put on your own oxygen mask before trying to put it on your child.” The point is that you can’t save someone one else if you are passed out and parents of traumatized children can’t help them if they are burnt out. 

REST stands for “RE-store your Soul from Trauma.” 

REST stands for “RE-store your Soul from Trauma.” Our soul refers to our entire being: body, mind, and spirit. Each area requires specific attention. You can’t focus on one and ignore the others. If we are empty in one area, it affects our entire soul. 

The key is to find rest IN work, not FROM work. It is a mindset that places hope at the heart of our care of traumatized children and looks at our beliefs about what we are doing more than the activity itself. If you have two people doing the same activity and one has a hope-filled, positive attitude about it and the other is weighed down with bitterness and negativity about it, who will be more exhausted by the task at the end? Of course, the one holding bitterness and negativity. 

When I was a young man I used to work for the father’s landscaping company. At the end of the day I was physically exhausted but mentally I was pleased by what I accomplished that day. I enjoyed seeing the results of my labors in the beautiful landscapes we would create. After going into “trauma work” there have been many days that I come home mentally exhausted and this showed in my physical body as well. My wife would often comment about the dark circles under my eyes and I would have to go to bed early to get enough rest to do it all over again the next day. 

This is how it feels for the parent or caregiver of the traumatized child. You are mentally exhausted, emotionally drained, and physically worn out and tomorrow you know you have to do all again. How will this be possible? 

Renewing our minds. 

Renewing our minds is the answer. In Romans 12:2, the bible says that were are to renew our minds. This means that we have to think the thoughts that Jesus thinks about ourselves and our situations. We have to let go of the negative, condemning thoughts (Romans 12:1) and start agreeing with heavens way of thinking. 

Parents might ignore this instruction believing they have “good reasons” for their poor attitudes. 

  1. There aren’t enough skilled people who can take over for me or provide consistent respite.
  2. My children are too difficult for other providers to manage. 
  3. They don’t have the time or money.
  4. God will sustain me.  
  5. It’s easier if I just do it myself then try and get someone else to do or if I don’t do it, no one else will.

The list could go on and on, right? While they all have a bit of truth to them and they are “good reasons” they are “bad excuses” for not living a life of rest. God will sustain parents but they must use the wisdom He gives them by setting boundaries and take proper care of themselves as well. 

Caregivers can adopt an orphan mentality or victim mindset that patterns the thought process of their individuals they are taking care of…In psychological terms, we call this parallel process. In trauma-informed care, we call this secondary trauma. 

Overcoming your orphan mentality and REST.

I have said elsewhere that we are double agents. We take care of people who have been traumatized and we have experienced trauma in our lives as well. This might have been our motivations for becoming a therapist, social worker, foster parent, adoptive parent, etc. It isn’t a wrong motivation but you will be triggered and you may have limiting beliefs that prevent you from finding rest IN work. It may exhaust you more! 

You have to be a “son or daughter” before you can be a fully functioning father or mother.  You can physically seek spiritual parents to support you as you carry on the work of parenting traumatized children. You may not have natural-born families that are near or healthy enough to rely on mentally and spiritually. You can review scriptures that explore being adopted by God and how you are a brother to Christ and sons/daughter’s to God (John 1:12, Galatians 3:26, John 3:16, Mark 10:13-16, Romans 8:16, 1 John 3:1-10, Romans 8:4-17)

Renewing your mind and life for REST. 

Ask yourself, what am I believing about my situation that is causing me to be drained and overwhelmed. 

Am I starting this work off with an attitude of resentment or with hope-filled promises?

Do I believe that nothing I do will matter or no one will appreciate me for the things I do or will I focus on doing this for God and seek only his approval? 

Are we inviting God into our circumstances to partner with us and bring us divine appointments and be able to find moments of grace and joy in our day.

Do we love ourselves before we attempt to love others? That is a hole in a bucket that will leave you empty sooner than later for sure!  

Are all the burdens you are carrying really yours to carry or are there a few bags of troubles that belong to other people?

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28  

REST in the little things.

When we think about rest we think spa days, two-week vacations in Hawaii, snuggling up in a cabin with a nice book and plenty of warm tea for a weekend. These are excellent ways to find rest but they require a lot of time, money and effort to pull off. If you can’t do these things then look for ways to find rest in the little things. 

Little activities are available at all times, are on-demand, and brief in duration. They don’t cost much or anything at all. They can fit into your busiest days and don’t require a lot of planning or sit up. 

Examples of little ways to rest include, but are not limited to: having morning devotions, watching a movie, pausing for a cup of tea or coffee, buying yourself a treat, taking the dog for a walk, playing a puzzle game on your phone or paper, taking 10 deep breaths several times a day, going to a yoga class or gym, cleaning up a closet or drawer, getting a massage, burning a scented candle, reading or telling a joke, taking a bubble bath, working on a hobby, listen to music, eat a healthy meal, drinking more water, talking to a friend, crying when needed, holding hands, going to church. You get the idea…

List 5 ways you will restore your soul in the next 30 days:

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“Sticks and Stones: The Power of Affirmative Adoption Words”

The phrase “sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me” is a childish idea that isn’t really true. It is a saying that is designed to be a reply to an insult or ward off bullying and discrimination. Adoptive families know the pain that comes from social stigma and stereotypes that surround adoption. The reality is that words do hurt but they can also heal.

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af·firm·a·tions

ˌafərˈmāSH(ə)n/

1. the action or process of affirming something or being affirmed.
2. emotional support or encouragement.

Affirmative Adoption Words: to “affirm” is to state that something is true. It is a “higher truth” that helps us be who we were designed to be; face adversities, and aspire to be the best we can be.

The repetition of affirmative words can change habit patterns and attitudes. It isn’t just positive thinking. That implies there is no work involved or no struggle. Affirmations place ourselves into alignment with the best version of ourselves.

The best affirmations start with “I am…” This makes it real and authentic. It establishes our identity based on what we choose to be versus what others say we are or are not.

Affirmations cause us to take responsibility. It voices the belief that I am aware of something that needs to be changed and that I can and will do something about it. We are not victims. We are agents of change and healing to our families.

Beliefs are habitual patterns of thinking. They are often the result of our past experiences and contain old survival ideas that may no longer be needed. If we learned how to survive, we can unlearn any unhealthy patterns, and re-learn new, more powerful ways to think.

List 5 positive “I am…” affirmations:

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Positive Adoption Language

The way we talk — and the words we choose — say a lot about what we think and value. When we use positive adoption language, we say that adoption is a way to build a family — just as birth is. Both are important, and neither is more important than the other.

Choose the following, positive adoption language instead of the negative talk that helps perpetuate the myth that adoption is second best. By using positive adoption language, you will reflect the true nature of adoption, free of innuendo.

 

Positive Language

Negative Language

Birth Parent

Real Parent

Biological Parent

Natural Parent

Birth Child

Own Child

My Child

Adopted Child; Own Child

Born to Unmarried Parents

Illegitimate

Terminate Parental Rights

Give Up

Make an Adoption Plan

Take Away

To Parent

To Keep

Waiting Child

Adoptable Child; Available Child

Birth Father; Biological Father

Begettor

Making Contact With

Reunion

Parent

Adoptive Parent

International Adoption

Foreign Adoption

Adoption Triad

Adoption Triangle

Permission to Sign a Release

Disclosure

Search

Track Down Parents

Child Placed for Adoption

An Unwanted Child

Court Termination

Child Taken Away

A child with Special Needs

Handicapped Child

Child from Abroad

Foreign Child

Was Adopted

Is Adopted

* Source: https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/talking-about- adoption/positive-adoption-language/

 

New Course: Hacking Your Nervous System

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Ron Huxley’s has created a new course for his FamilyHealerSchool. It is called “Hack Your Nervous System” and compiles creative training material from the TraumaToolbox and Freedom From Anxiety Programs.

Why would anyone want to hack their nervous system? Why is this a powerful healing strategy for individuals who have suffered toxic stress or suffer from restlessness, stress, panic, Post-traumatic triggers and more?

  • 10% of the population suffer from Post-traumatic stress disorders. 1 in 8 adults describes having weekly panic attacks and on-going social anxiety that ruin relationships, destroy careers, and create disease and finally death. Hacking your nervous system will start you on the road to healing and recovery.
  • Most people who suffer from anxiety and trauma can’t use traditional talk therapy or behavioral tools provided by professionals. This is because their nervous systems are hyper or hypo aroused and need to be regulated first!
  • Children cannot learn in school. Adults can’t focus at work. People can’t seem to function without mood-altering drugs or prescriptions. Why is this a growing problem in society? Use natural, powerful tools to find inner peace and harmony.

You can take this completely free course now by clicking here: http://FamilyHealerSchool.com

If you would like to invite Ron to provide this training at your organization or agency, email him at rehuxley@gmail.com.

Spiritual Surround: How to shift the negative atmosphere of your home.

Join me for the third seminar in the “Healing the Traumatized Child” series November 26, 2018, from 9 am to 12 noon. The seminar will be held at GraceSlo Church on 1350 Osos St., San Luis Obispo, California.

Healing strategies for traumatized children involve helping children help within the spiritual atmosphere of the home. Let’s explore spiritual strategies that create compassion and loving kindness in our children and ourselves. Transform negative atmospheres into hope-filled realities with this practical training by Ron Huxley, LMFT.

Family Healer School

Ron Huxley’s FamilyHealerSchool.com provides families with FREE help on parenting, anxiety, trauma, child behavior, spirituality and more. You can find healing for you and your family with multimedia content, downloadable resources, quizzes, and inspirational meditations. Our vision is to see families healed and living in complete abundance.

Get more information now: Click here!

Fall “Faith-In-Motion” Seminars

Join me for the latest series of “Faith-In-Motion” seminars this fall 2018. I will be collaborating again with Grace Central Coast church, San Luis Obispo County Department of Social Services, and Cuesta College to provide healing strategies for hurt children and families.

The schedule for the training include:

September 24, 2018 – “Bottom Up”

October 26, 2018 – “Inside Out”

November 26, 2018 – “Spiritual Surround”

BOTTOM UP refers to the healing strategies for traumatized children embodied in the brain and nervous system. In order for behavioral strategies to stick, we must calm down the hyperaroused nervous system. Learn practical, power-full tools for your trauma toolbox.

INSIDE OUT refers to strategies that will focus on the negative “lies” we believe about ourselves. Children in loving homes can still view themselves as unworthy of love. They can sabotage themselves and create more pain for their families. Learn new ways to transform lies into the truth that will set children and families free.

SPIRITUAL SURROUND refers to strategies to use the spiritual atmosphere of the home. Together we will explore how to create compassion and loving kindness in ourselves and our children. Transform negative atmospheres into hope-filled realities.

The seminars will be located at Grace Slo Church at 1350 Osos Street, San Luis Obispo, Ca. from 9 am to 12 noon.

Free Childcare with RSVP to 805-781-1705 or to lbooker@co.slo.ca.uswith number of people and number and ages of children needing childcare. Childcare will be limited and for ages 0-5 only.

The Power-FULL Family: New Faith-In-Motion Seminar

Join me at the March Faith-In-Motion Seminar on March 26th, from 9:00 am to 12:00 pm. I will share on how to turn power struggles into opportunities for greater intimacy and cooperation. Power-less families engage in power struggles in order to “feel” powerful. Power-less families must be empowered to “know” they are powerful. It is a question of identity that doesn’t let circumstances and situations determine who we are.

Foster and Adoptive families will discover faith-based perspectives on attachment and trauma and find a way to greater healing!

Download here: FIM March flyer

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